A Long Time Coming

Obviously, I took a vacation from the blogging world. There has really been a lot going on... a building project that gets its final approvals this coming Sunday and Tuesday, and good number of deaths of active members. It's been a tough month. And while I can honestly say, either way the voting goes I will be relieved, I'm still so darn anxious to get it all moving. I think it has to do with the fact that the project not only affects my work, but also my house. It's like I don't really know if I'm coming or going. I actually feel the stress inside myself, which is an odd feeling by the way. I do what I can to manage it, working out, eating right, relaxing, some family time... but it's like it's not going to go away until its all final on Tuesday. And then, if it's a go.. all chaos will break loose! But that seems easy enough to handle because we at least know what is happening. Big Sigh...

Graduation & Disappointment

As I sit in my office after everyone has left our night of celebrating our graduating seniors, I've got tears falling from my eyes. This has been a very special graduating class for me - there are only six but all six of them have been active at church my whole 6 years here. So I have many memories and in my sermon I was able to pin point each of their gifts and how I see them as a blessing to this world. It makes me sad though, for kids that don't have church connections - for kids that aren't reminded that they are a blessing to the world. So often church is just for "when we need it" or "when something special is happening." I've really been having a hard time with that lately, I feel sad for a God who in many ways is taken advantage of. I am sure there are many things in which brings sadness to God, but I am so overwhelmed these days of the total lack of respect and integrity we give God. Isn't it funny how I should be thrilled this time of the year, celebrating memories and wishing kids well while encouarging to bring God with them into their future - but instead, I'm disappointed at society and how we have allowed the church and God to take a back seat. I'm sure my crabbiness will be lifted at the six graduation parties, but for now, I'm pondering how we might help people wake up to the reality of God in the midst of tranistions within our journies.

Tears & Rain

Okay, so I'm on an emotional roller coaster this week and I want off - but the stupid man operating the controls just laughs at me! How's that for an image? Usually, I am very content and at peace with my life and its singleness. I know myself well enough to know that I like things certain ways, I love my work and feel married to it, and that maybe being single is best for my life path - but these days I just don't like it. I have some close guy friends (all married) and I've been hanging around them a lot lately and feeling like, "hey, this sucks, I want more than friendships."
It doesn't help that I'm also preparing to do yet another friends wedding this weekend. I just have a heavy heart, that's all. Last night I called a good friend of mine and she did a great job of listening, affirming, and allowing God to speak through her. So, I feel much better - but until this wedding is over with I don't think i will be back to normal. It's raining today and its actually very symbolic and comforting to me.

Retreat Debriefing

The Confirmation Trip was phenominal! I am so amazed at how well the six of us connect with one another. After our prayer circle Friday night, we sat there with the candles burning in the darkness for over an hour, just talking - and that was their free time. Two thoughts:
1) "April's" statement was better than expected, but still bothersome. Her church section was a chance for her to ridicule worship and deem it "boring." It was interesting because during our prayer circle I talked about how she doesn't agree with what I give my life to, yet, she trusts me... and somehow, that means something. I don't know what, but it means something. Then Sunday afternoon I was thinking again about her statement and I was really afraid she meant it to be funny and I realize people won't laugh, but rather take offense. (It's more directed at me, but because I know April's heart, I don't take offense to it - but sadness). Anyway, so I texted April and suggested she change it as I was sure offending people was not her intention. She texted back and said, "I already changed it." Well, okay then, I look forward to seeing it on Wednesday. Please do pray for this young lady - and pray for me as I try to best communicate with her the beauty of God.
2) The one thing in my life I have no desire to do is jump from a plane or any form of bunjee jumping. On these retreats we all do the high ropes course and there is an option to do the zip line, which is jumping off a platform and sailing freestyle along a rope, only clinging to your life by a harness. I always take pictures as the kids do this, but it's never my desire to do it myself. Well, this trip the kids talked me into it - and there I went. I explained to them later how truly, it meant something because I did it for them. I didn't need to do it for me, I challenge myself in other ways, but I needed to do it to show them how I trust them and how I don't ever want them to set themselves back from "sticking their neck" out there. It was pretty monumental.

Hope in the Chaos

I have a requirement for my Confirmation students. Each semester they have to schedule what we call a "pastor visit" in which they get together with me and I take them for coffee or anything else they would like to do and we talk. One of my students this year is an extreme intravert, so we have scheduled more of these visits because she doesn't often talk in class and I need to be able to see where she is at. We met yesterday and it was a break-through type conversation. But one thing didn't sit well with me. This teen who we will call "Adam" has had a hard time believing in God. Just last week, April's brother "Adam" was hit by a drunk driver. He has hurt with minor physical scars, but major emotional scars. I took a risk in my conversation with April about God and I said, "Let's think the horrific and imagine Adam was killed in that accident. Where would you go for comfort and understanding in that?" And April was able to say, "well, then I would go to God - because then I would need God - but right now, I don't really have any need for God." It was a breakthrough because it was the first time April has been able to identify a God and a relationship with a God. I was thrilled. But sad.
I wrestled with it all night, not sleeping well as I pondered how to help April see that God is more than just something to comfort us in times of extreme trauma. I still don't have answers and I'm anxious for this weekends confirmation retreat as I know I will want to get time with her and pray I can find a way to help her see God as an everyday relationship. I was really down when I woke up this morning.
But then at 7am I get a text message from one of our older youth, someone who was done with the confirmation program 2 years ago. She was asking if I had time to talk. So I called her up and we talked before she went to school. She was having a problem with some boys and school and she was seriosuly seeking direction. I was so proud of her maturity, she didn't want to create drama with the situation, she just wanted to walk away from it. So we talked and I suggested what I thought needed to be done and she agreed and was going to head to the principal when we were done talking - but she also said she wanted to stop by church after school and talk some more. It was interesting how I was feeling chaos in the April situation, a storm in my mind about how to help her - and then hope - a student who actually sought out her pastor, her christian connection, to solve a problem in her life. Even in chaos, there is hope. We cannot loose sight of that. Ever.

Accomplishing Agendas

You know, it feels really good when you make a list for yourself and get enough uninterrupted time in which to accomplish the tasks on the list. That rarely happens - i make lists, I have things I need to get done, I think in my mind that I have enough time to finish them, and I go about the list with high hopes of fitting in some rest and relaxation - and INEVITABLY, I don't accomplish what I want to accomplish. I am beginning to believe this will be a life pattern for me and I must accept it for what it is. But then I realize I need to schedule the rest and relaxation or it's not happening - and then I get fatigued... so it's a no win situation, right? There is a sermon in this, I can feel it! But today, I got the list done! That being said, I am going home now for a few hours of rest before a worship committee meeting tonight. God Bless You and Goodnight.

Out Like a Lion

So, it's March 31 and the weather anchors in Minnesota are calling this years March send off "Out like a Lion" - becuase we have just been dumped with yet another blizzard. I was really in a bad mood this morning, I am just really ready for spring and to see the little bit of grass we has completely covered in snow again made me so sad. So, I worked in the office all day and because of the weather no one was in and the phone didn't ring much, so I accomplished some sermon writing, which felt good. I was able to go home about 3pm and my 7pm event is cancelled due to weather, so, I put my pajamas on and I am just doing whatever I feel like doing - so I must say, my mad mood is now pretty relaxed. It's interesting how time to yourself can often lift otherwise drained spirits. I have spent some time on the computer catching up with some facebook and email and doing a lot of laughing (but I'm perplexed as to why my cousin is not answering his facebook messages), and even some praying for caring bridge people I am praying for. What do we do in our fee time and how much do we enjoy unexpected "spare" time?

Fatigue

Well, Friday was a doctors appointment and a chance to check-in on my dairy allergy, etc. I am doing okay, but feeling some fatigue and the doc says its showing. Seriously, I am somewhat frustrated because I truly felt I was taking care of myself through my high-stress busy life right now - I am very intentional about taking care of myself, so I can take care of others - but still, my health suffers. I don't get it!? We are going to try some new allergy meds, hoping my allergies are the cause for the fatigue. But I do need to do more "taking care of me" things. Any suggestions? (I am already good about massage, excercise, leaving work at work (for the most part) and taking my day off (for the most part) but I'm really not sure what else to do). Hmm.. maybe my (for the most part)comments answered my question!?

Thursday Nights

I have decided that I love, and often times crave, Thursday nights! I sometimes have meetings but always I have the assurance that the next day is Friday and I can sleep in and do things on my agenda (Friday is my day off). Of course, often times, like tomorrow, I have a sermon to write and a trip to the nursing home I really need to make - but it just being Friday, totally relaxes me. I have learned that sleep is a necessity and I need more of it.
I heard/received/? an interesting comment today. A friend was leaving my office and he said, "Thanks, Kim." And I said something down the lines of "Oh, no problem, have a good day." And my friend stopped. Looked me in the eyes and said, "No. Really. I mean that. Thanks for everything you do. I need you to know that I am thankful." Now we all have moments of receiving thanks but there is something about sincere thanks (something different than the standard polite comment we make as we walk out of a room or leave a store). I guess I don't really know why - it just made me think: Do the people we appreciate, really know we appreciate them? Truly and sincerly, do they know we mean it? Now, I of course, will go into a sermon here about how actions speak louder than words.. but really, even our words - do we get too customary, too standard. Or do we really take the time to express our appreciation and ensure the person understands it? Hmm.. food for thought?

Catch-Up

It never fails. I go away for a week of Continuing Ed & Relaxation and I come back to millions of things to do, sermons and bulletins to catch up on, and a funeral. It never fails! So, I'm struggling right now to get it all done - and to keep up with my excersice program - and get enough sleep. It almost feels impossible this week, but all I can do is keep trucking along. I got really sick yesterday, a bad headache and a fever but I kept working through it because I had to. Today I feel better but in the back of my mind is sleep and the need to slow down because I know myself well enough to know that I get sick when I don't get enough rest. So, in these days before Easter, when there is so much to do and not enough time to do it, I wonder what life would be life if I had family at home? When my cat only sees me as I crawl in and out of bed at night and in the morning, what would it be like if I had a child or a husband? It just all makes me wonder and its funny the timing of it all as I have been thinking a lot about that (a family) lately.

Racism in 2009

Well, as you can tell - I fell off the band wagon... but I have a good excuse. I was away for a week of Continuing ed/vacation and intentially stayed away from computers (except a quick sermon write). I have been really tired all weekend and fighting a headache, so I just couldn't bring myself to blog. But there is something seriously bothering me...
While in Louisville, I was riding in my friends car as she drove through downtown. We came to a stop light and I was just gazing out the window watching people.. there was a couple crossing the street and holding hands, a child waiting to go the other way, some men sitting on some steps, and people waiting at a bus stop. Pretty soon, my friend says, "that's an awfully pretty girl to be with a black man." I had to pull myself out of my gaze and look really hard before I realized she was talking about the couple crossing the street holding hands - he was black and she was white - something I didn't notice until my friend pointed it out. I was sort of speechless, "what do you mean?" I finally asked. "Well, he's so scrubby looking, that's all."
I cannot get that out of my mind and I am so shocked and saddened by such idiotic thinking int he year 2009. And what gets me even more... my friend is in her 40's, she was born and raised in Southern Indiana. Is this a generational thing or a geographic thing? And why? Why would a geography (the south) that is equally black and white be racist - when a geography (the north) that is dominately white have no real racist issues? It doesn't make any sense to me? First of all the stupidity of racism in the first place and then the horrific attitude of making such a comment. I guess I'm mad! Darn mad that in the year 2009 we make our own differences as a human race.
Are we not God's people? Where does it say white, black, asian, latino in the description of God's people? It doesn't! Because it doesn't make an difference - it's the human race - God's people. And its 2009 for crying out loud! When will we ever learn to stop looking at each other with prejudice and simply look at the equality? Seriously, I don't believe I see skin color... because it doesn't ever come into my mind when seeing a human being.

Temple

Yesterday after school I picked up our confirmation students and we drove to Duluth to visit Temple Israel for our Religions of the World unit. It was a really great expereince. I have gone several times before but yesterday Rabbi Amy's message was about love and she did an outstanding job - even the youth were talking about it on the way home! Her main point was that love in biblical terms is an action, not an emotion or feeling - so we as a people need to act in love. She even brought in several examples of Jesus, which I thought was amazingly effective as she had a large crowd of Christians present and here her point was how we act as one group of people living for the same purpose, to love God. I was very impressed.
Then our group went to the Olive Garden and the waiter and I were having a great time and doing quite a bit of flirting, which of course, the kids thoughts was great. We all laughed so hard and really enjoyed our time together. We got back to Grand Rapids at midnight and I must say, it was a really great trip and I'm excited that all of them are looking foward to their Statement of Faith writing retreat at Presbyterian Clearwater Forest in May.

Adoption Day

Wow! Well, the drive to the courthouse and the climb to the third floor was surreal -Tamara was excited and nervous all at the same time and we had a really good talk about blessings from God, her birth mothers choices as nobody but her own choices and mistakes, and the disbelief of where things were just two years earlier. Then we get outside the courtroom and things didn't feel so great - it was just cold and felt very odd. But then inside court when the judge entered.. I was amazed. Both adoptive parents were sworn in and asked a series of questions and then Tamara as well. What most struck me were the questions asked of the parents. "Do you understand the priveledges that come with being her parent?" "Do you accept those priveledges?" "Do you understand the responsibilities that come with being her parent?" Do you accept those responsibilities?" It was awesome! I thought, "they need to ask these questions of every BIRTH parent! Seriously, it made me see parenthood in a whole new way and I was honored to see it so sacred.
It was also cool because it was the same judge that has dealt with Tamara's birth mother in court many other times - and the same judge who started the process of removing Tamara from her home and eventually from her birth mothers rights. I wanted to ask the judge if this was a great day for her? If it was rewarding to see all the bad suddenly turn good for good.
What a rewarding day. What a blessing to be a part of this young girls journey to a loving, guided life. Amen.

Building Plans

So, I am leading a 512 member church through a building project! It's almost true that I need to say it in order to believe it - but there I sat leading a design team meeting tonight with the Architects... what on earth have I gotten into!!?? I am learning as I go, literally. And actually, that scares the heck out of me - but I just keep on going. I must be crazy and over confidant and maybe I will fall flat on my face, but all I can do is keep following as God guides, and right now, its through a building project!
On another note, tomorrow is Tamara's adoption day. I get to pick her up at school and drive her to court to meet her family and then participate in court and go out to eat afterwards with the family. I am excited, sad, happy, and amazed all at the same time! I will have a lot to say tomorrow!!

Blizzard in March

So, a few weeks ago... when we were having really nice weather (one day people were even driving around with their car windows open) and the snow was melting - people kept saying, "Spring is in the air!" And I chuckled and said, "Nah, it's just a tease." I have to admit, the only reason I responded like that was because I didn't want to jinx it (I never thought I was supersticious, but maybe I am?), when really, deep down, I was hoping they were right. Well, they were wrong. We got dumped on today and all I can hope now is that it continues and everything is called off tomorrow. It would be nice to have another day to get caught up for my week away next week.
No major insights today, just lots of catch-up and a fun tour of the old catholic church with my priest friend. We even turned on the abandonded organ and found it to work! But then it was back to business, meetings seem to be all I do these days. Anyway, plans are progressing for our building renovation and I am looking into places we can move to while the big build is taking place - thus the tour of the old catholic church.

Interesting Confession

Today was a major catch up day and I had a goal and a plan and didn't answer any phones so I could stick to it. It worked, but now comes the editing. Anyway, I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. We were talking about some possible future plans for work and expectations, etc. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "I just want you to know that I am very capable of disappointing you." That was extremely profound to me. It wasn't the sort of of "Oh, I might fail at this so have pity on me when it happens," but more of a "I'm going to do my best and I know you are counting on me and think I will do great, but just know I may not meet your expectations." It was sincere and so honest. Not only could he admit that in himself but he also cared enough to make sure I understood it. Some people so amaze me and they are always the ones who don't seem to think they are doing any good in the world and make much of a good character for the kingdom.

30 Hour Famine

I'm actually not sure how I feel about this years famine. It was good, don't get me wrong, the kids had fun and awareness was drawn... I think. I struggle with what seems to be a culture of kids that have a hard time expereincing things for what they are and talking about them: anything that is, out of their norm. All they were really able to talk about was the negative: I'm hungry, I'm tired, this is boring, this is gross... etc. I didn't see a whole lot of the "ah-ha" moments and that sort of makes me sad. That and the fact that one went home and five puked - I think it was just an off year!? Neverless, I was moved by the experience once again. Although, I am really tired of sleeping on church floors...

Before the Famine

Tomorrow at 8am begins our 30 Hour Famine - a yearly tradition in my ministry - of participating with our youth in World Visions fight aganust hunger. This is the first year I won't be planning/leading it all myself. For the past three years we have invited a gropu from another church (in Superior, WI) to join us and this year we agreed their congregation needs to experience it all on Sunday morning, so we are going there and their youth leader and pastor are in charge. I will be leading the late night worship, but other than that, I get to be a participant and I am super excited. This is always a huge faith-developing event for our youth. I love to watch and they realize the extreme poverty that exists in their world and how they can make a difference.
I am somewhat nervous about my endurance this year though - I am on a huge new fitness program and I just worry that 30 hours without nutrition will set me back or be difficult to handle because my metabolism is so set in its healthy ways now. But then I realize, its a silly worry for me - I can start eating again Sunday night - yet millions of people don't have that assurance, they have no idea when their next meal will be or what nutritious value it will have. Puts my mind into perspective as I get my things together and pray for our youth to be opened and inspired.

Missed Wednesday

Well, yesterday just flew by! Some days are just packed plum full and yesterday was one of those days for me. When I think back on it, I'm simply blessed I made it through without feeling overly tired. I am really proud of my accomplishments with my workout program. I have faithfully met with my trainer twice a week and I have done my 3 other days of cardio. And of course, the scale is going down, so that's nice to. But its the endurance and the "feel better" aspect that I am really intrigued by.
Today was catch up and work ahead. I have the 30 Hour Famine in Superior, WI this weeknd, so I have a guest preacher coming... I was able to gets things done and do a couple visits and now I have some free time at home - I sure love that! I'm having dinner at a member's home tonight and then the plan is to SLEEP before the Famine (did I mention we leave at 8am on Saturday morning? Yikes!)
Sorry nothing more than a check-in.. I'm just relaxed and the cat is asleep on my lap, and all is good...

Go Ahead and Laugh

Okay, I know your going to laugh at me... but as I was driving down a back roday today, I hit a bird! It was awful cause I it was tiny and sitting in the road and I didn't see it until I was about to go over it. And to make it all worse I heard it try to fly away and hit underneath my car. AND I looked back in the rearview mirror and there it was flopping on one side trying to move, but obviously not able. I felt/feel horrible. This is no joke, I really feel bad. Animals have a soft spot in my heart, they are so precious and so curious and so full of life and I can't stand the thought of "what do they feel or what do they think" when something happens to them. I know, I know, I'm crazy, but so be it.
It just has me thinking about the value of life and how we treat that value as a society. Not that its societies fault I ran over that bird, but in general, society could care less, animals and even humans suffer at the hands/actions of other living creatures. Maybe I should join an animal activist organization.. no it's not that I want to get involved with a movement its just that I wish all humans would start appreciate all of life and have a sense of feeling for all of life. Yikes, crazy soap-box today!

Right Place, Right Time

So, it's funny because I have been struggling with interruptions lately - and then this weekend I read a devotional about seeing interruptions as notes from God or things God wants you to pay attention to. I pretty much decided that it didn't apply to the kind of interruptions I was frustrated with, and I am right for the most part. But as I left the office today I was set on going to the gym to workout and then home to cook dinner. Little did I know I wouldn't get that far on the time frame I had set in my mind.
I ran into a friend who really looked emotionally distraught and taking the time to pursure my instinct proved worthy. He was in the middle of dealing with a huge struggle in his life and we were able to stand there and talk for a long time. Not only did it strengthen our friendship, but it allowed a soul to talk and be heard - to yell and not be quieted - to cry and not be fought back or wiped away with fear of expressing sorrow - to opened itself up and not be rejected.
It was a God moment for me today. He was the one with the problem, but I was the one enlightened. Sometimes we do need to take the time to allow interruptions in our lives. Sure, it's easier when its someone we care about - but we know our instincts, we know when someone needs a friend.. and today was a reminder to me that I need to listen to my instincts and respond even when I have my own agenda I want to keep. When its a friend and when its an annoyance, because just like friends, annoyances have struggles too.

Sabbath Sunday

Continuing my weekend plunge into solitude, I spent the afternoon and evening at home alone with my cat. I got a lot of study done for my Lenten sermon series and feel really good about that. I did some re-organizing in the kitchen, again something I love to do (I can't even help myself, I love organization - and once it all organized, I like to redecorate and organize again!)
Now, I used to be a religious fan of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, but I had gotten out of the habit of watching it. Tonight I turned it on and wow, I was really moved by a fmily that truly seems to find good in anotherwise dark world. Their story is a mother who loves to photograph and after their third child almost died of respiratory problems at birth, she commited her love and work to photographing families that are in the NICU with their infants. Some infants survive and as we all know, some do not. Especially to the families of infants who did not survive, this womans gift of photography captures a moment they will never get to live again, holding a child, embracing a finger, etc. I have renewed my love of this program as it truly strives to find families who do good in the world and are in need of good themselves. Makes me think about what offerings I can give on a daily basis to the movement of finding good in an otherwise dark world.

Slumdog Millionaire

Well, I really wanted to see the movie and I did this afternoon. It is great and a must see! It had me thinking all kinds of thoughts: 1)I can't believe in our world we actually force people to live like that. 2)We should be ashamed of ourselves that poverty is such an issue, India or America.. it should not be anywhere. 3)I still have faith that goodness comes from within and not overlooked because of bad situations.
Those of you who know me well, know that I am not rah rah America. I love our country, but I believe all countries need to be treated equal and that all people are an image of God. But I have to admit, as I watched that movie and different tolerances that are allowed in other countries, I felt blessed to live in a country that doesn't allow some of those awful things to happen. Yes, a lot of bad still happens - but people can't just run into a neighborhood and start killing everyone, nor can people beat a child in the streets and torture them to get answers. Our legal system makes me mad often, but it also makes me glad that people have rights and we are forced to respect one another or face justice. Sure, there is hidden offences, but if its seen, its stopped.
This was an interesting movie for me.

The Art of Saying "No"

I have really been looking forward to this weekend to have a little time of solitude. Yes, I have worried if I will get bored, having no plans, just spontaneious decisions (seriously, I never have free time in a chunk like this, so it's new for me), but I decided to go with it.
I still have another full day but I have already crossed several big items off my to-do-list. And when someone called and invited me to dinner - I was tempted - but said, "No, Thanks." It felt great to say it and not feel like I have to accept just because the offer is there. I need some alone time, I need to re-group and if I start to fill this time with accepting every offer - it will no longer be the alone time I know I need. Just to saty home tonight, a Friday of all times, is in itself art - a chance to see what colors are painted in the fabric of myself and the company of my home and cat. I am sure I will find plenty to do and in the morning I will wake refreshed from the quiet calm of my own personal sanctuary.

Pondering Solitude

I am doing a sermon series this Lent - based on John Indermark's book, Traveling the Prayer Paths of Jesus. My intent is to help us focus on our own spiritual discipline of prayer by journeying with Jesus to his death and resurrection. This first week is "Out of Solitude." I was not going to write out a sermon as I normally do, I was going to do it from the floor without notes as I sometimes do - but I decided to write it out today because many of our older members like to take a copy of the sermon with them to share with friends who live in their buildings, etc. So, I spent the day writing it out and its got me wanting to practice solitude this weekend! It will be good for me - so I am going to give it a whirl (not that I have never done it, I have, but in the face of a very busy life, I rarely have a whole weekend to dedicate). I may still go to a basketball game and possibily a movie I want to see.. but I hope to stay home and practice solitude for the most part. I will let you know how it turns out. As my sermon is pointing, solitude truly is a "practice!"

Ash Wednesday

So, as you know from yesterday's blog: I was struggling with the beginning of Lent. But as the day began with or without my readiness (as it always seems to do), I embraced it!
I decided a few things for myself: This year lent is going to be very much about my personal relationship with God and how that needs to be transformed - not just for 40days - but for my life-long journey. It was incredible because I thought about this all morning, and then, when I walked into my office at 8am, I saw that someone had put a vase of red carnations on my desk! I couldn't help but wonder if it was a way of God inviting me into this period of lifetime self-discovery!? Like, "here I am and I'm excited you are taking this so seriously.. by the way, I love you and I'm in this with you."
So, I have decided:
1. I am going to work really hard on "gracious acceptance" of a person that truly eats away at my inner soul - in an attempt to see this person as God does.
2. I am going to blog or journal on a daily basis - as a way of communicating my thoughts and focusing my day.
3. I am going to do my cardio training 5 days a week - as a personal reflection on myself as a temple of the Holy Spirit.
4. I am going to refrain from saying yes to everything - as a way of taking time for sabbath renewal and personal time with God.
And 5. I am going to give up brussel sprouts. Because I don't eat brussel sprouts anyway and I think giving something up only to go back to it later isn't honoring the life-long journey with God. God knows I dislike brussel sprouts and God knows I will always dislike brussel sprouts. So, why not call a spade a spade and move on to things that will really strengthen my for my life-long journey with God!?

Fat Tuesday

So, I am somewhat disgruntled. I call today Fat Tuesday because its the day to stuff all the food in as preparation for fasting on Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent. But here is why I am disgruntled: I am fed up with the wrong impression/idea of Lent. Okay, here goes: Lent is about taking the journey to the cross with Christ, ultimately, its a time to focus on our relationship with God and hopefully come out of it as stronger more focused & connected Christians.
This whole giving up things for 40 days: I have done it and I will probably do it again this year... but it's supposed to be something that brings us closer to our relationship with God. If we give up something (like chocolate) and then after Easter we go right back to it.. what was the point? Where was the inner pull to be closer to God? I get it that its about making a sacrifice like Christ did - but the sacrifice of Christ keeps going. To make a temporary sacrifice that has no hopes of strengthening our faith relationship, is really only mocking the whole thing and making a game of it (I warned you I was crabby). Why not commit to giving up something that is bad for your faith - and in the end realizing you didn't need it and won't go back to it?
Then there is the idea of adding something to your faith practices. This is something Protestant churches have really focused on in the past five years. But again, if we add something we know we will not keep up with after Lent, what's the point, the game will just end. Why not add something that we truly desire to awaken within us?
So.. what do I think? I don't know! I am disgruntled because tomorrow is the beginning of Lent and I am still trying to figure out how to best lead my flock in a practice of transforming our individual (and communal) faith connection/relationship and I have no idea how I am going to do it for myself yet. It needs to be focused on gaining a closer (lasting) reltionship with God.

Time on a Frozen Lake

This week I am house/dog sitting for a family from my church. They have a beautiful home on beautiful Pokegama Lake. Every night I sit out on the deck in the hot tub, starring at the stars and gazing at the moon (really, I do gaze at the moon - it speaks to me!) Yesterday I strapped on some snow shoes and took the dogs on the lake for a nice brisk walk (they ran). I was going to do the same today, but we are having a bad ice storm and the wind is horrible, so I am staying inside. It's fun to be out here all by myself- it's like me, God, and the world... and of course, the two dogs. But I do a lot of thinking when I'm out of the city. Interesting how city like gets you so caught up in routine, so rushed to keep up with its fast paced mentality. And all you do is drive out into the woods about 20 miles and your free from it all. Amazing. I could honestly get used to this. But then, I wonder if I'd be lonely. I wonder if those days I crave action, I'd go nuts until I convinced myself to get int he car and drive into town. Has me thinking how we can be comfortable with our lives, yet a glimpse into something a little more calm and peaceful grabs our attention. I like my action packed, fast paced life. But I also like being able to stop, get away, and breathe the fresh air. It's amazing how the moon lights up the darkness... great metaphor for God's love.

Down to Up

Wow! I have sure been in a bad mood this week! Everything major just seemed to hit me at once and I was trying so hard to stay strong and phew, I can finally breathe. Last week was such a terrible week at Weight Wacthers because the weigh-in lady was so rude to me - that I gave this past week. I went today but didn't want to weign-in because I knew I'd forsure be up in weight. But I was down! Whoo-Hoo. So, it has me back on track and ready to roll again.
I actually get to take my day off tomorrow, so I happy about that. I need to spend time with my cat. Sounds hilarious, but my cat is an indoor house cat, and if I haven't spent much time with her, it means I haven't been home much at all. So, I know I need some "ME" time.

Kind of Bummed

I used to tell myself I shouldn't write when I am in a low mood, kind of bummed - but then I wonder why because sometimes that's my best writing. Anyway, I don't have any huge reason to be sad tonight, I just am. I woke up at 3:30 this morning to travel to St.Paul for JRLC'S Day on the Hill. It was a bittersweet experience this year. I always enjoy talking to legislators about justice issues.. but this year there was an hour where we met with several reps, not just our own, and man, was that draining! They were so hopeless! Kind of like "well, the economy sucks right now and MN is going to take some major hits because of our terrible Governor, so brace yourself!" There was no pep from these reps, no attitude of "we can take them." I thought, well, this is real assuring - we can go back and tell the poor their is no hope so we might as well give up the fight. So much for the bill to end Poverty buy 2020! But then when we met individually with the Grand Rapids rep and senator, we saw a much better attitude. They sure don't like the Governor, but they at least see hope if we keep working on plans, etc. I felt much better but then I got a terribke headache and the rest of the day was just shot.
And I'm beating myself up over a terrible week on Weight Watchers. I know I will get right back on it, but I'm just mad at myself and nothing is going to make me feel better until next week when I take it seriously again. Some days/weeks are just negatives and its plain hard to get back on the band wagon. Especially when you keep getting headaches and chocolate is one of the only cures!!
Well, tomorrow I need to write a sermon based on Isaiah 40 which in a nutshell is a call for hope in despair... I guess I have some good material to go on.

The Changing Culture

I attended a leadership conference this week, it was for people who moderate Committees on Preparation for Ministry, and you guessed it, I am that person for our Presbytery. Which means I lead the Committee that works with seminary students who are considering a call to Ministry. Anyway, the conference theme was New Realities in Church and Culture and implications for COM/CPM. It was a great week of learning about cultural changes, now being a huge technological change, and how ignoring it will only ensure people don't show up for church. It all got me questioning: How can we assume to attract people if we aren't even bringing God into their reality? In a world of text messaging, Facebook, Ipods, and Iphones, how do we relate church and get on board with where society is going? It's just food for thought, but pretty critical and we continually wonder how to engage new people and younger people in the church.

Thoughts on Health

So I am true to my word: I had been saying all of November and December that once January rolls around, I am going to get serious about my weight loss again. I had lost about 50 pounds in 2007, put maybe 25 back on in 2008, but am now actively doing weight watchers again. Today was weigh-in day and I was down 3.2 pounds! It felt great cause I had worked so hard this week and was really feeling good, so to see the scale slip down. I know I can do this and I want to do this for me.
I was inspired my friend, Kristin's, facebook entry about her struggle with weight and how she has become a health nut. I believe God created our bodies to be healthy and its so true that we only actually feel good when our bodies are healthy. So.. here I go again, on a huge endeavor to drop more pounds, get healthy and feel good about the body God gave me. Encouragement always goes farther than we think... so keep it coming, and I will keep you posted.

On that note, I had a emergency scare today. My jaw locked and I had to go to the dental specialist. I was diagnosed with TMJ, I clench my teeth and it is straining my muscles - they are so inflammed it's painful and dangerous. Anyway, I have some drigs to get the swelling down and he molded me a new little devise that fits on my front teeth - it keeps me from clenching. Problem is, right now I have to wear it as often as I can, day and night. But I can't talk all that well with it in, so I keep taking it out and putting it back in. But after it all settles, I only have to wear it at night, so that will be good. It's alreayd helping - but he wasn't able to assure me that this will solve it - they will check it again later and hopefully I won't need metal plates put in my jaw. Yikes! I already feel relief though, so I have a good feeling this will do the trick.

President of the United States, Barack Obama

I wanted to write this yesterday, but got home at 9pm and was too tired to think!

I, like millions of others, was glued to the tv or computer monitor yesterday as America made history. As our first black president was sworn into office and the theme of the day centered around America coming together and having hope for the future, I was overwhelmed.

It is a powerful thing to truly be proud of our country and our willingness to try something new and to start shattering the lines of race, gender, class and everything else this new solidarity will shine light on.I was most moved yesterday during the inauguration parade, when not just once, but twice, Barack and Michelle got out of the car and started to walk the parade route, waving to a very loudly cheering crowd. What a message "I am your president, working with and for you!" Not to mention the message it sent, "I am not afraid. I am one with you." If he is not afraid, we should not be afraid. If he is trusting America, we should trust America. If he has faith in hope in our system, we should have faith and hope in our system. Regardless of my political views, this is the first time I have truly felt pride in our President - this is the fist time I have felt inspired by him to love and trust my country.

MLK, JR Inspiration

One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther King, JR was in his response to the frenzy across America at the assasination of John F. Kennedy. King stated, "The question is not who killed JFK, but rather, what killed JFK." I have come to see and understand how the actiopns of society are passed on and adopted as norms. I am reading another great novel by Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match. So far, a five-year old boy (Nathaniel) was molested by a priest (Father Szyszynski), and the mother of the boy is a district attorney who knows all to well how molestation cases of young children often amount to nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Assuming to know which priest molested Nathaniel, the mother shoots him in the head four times during his arraignment, he is murdered in court! The mother is so insistant that the priest should not live because of what she took away from her son. Having friends in the court system, she gets off on bail and she sneaks (identity hidden behind a dark shawl) into the priests funeral service and has this discovery: "When I turn my gaze falls on the front left pew, where a woman in black is bent over at the waist, sobing so hard she cannot catch her breath. Her iron-gray curls wilt beneath her black cloche hate; her hands are knotted so tightly around the edge of the pew I think she may splinter the wood. The priest who has given me communion whispers to another clergyman, who takes over as he goes over to comfort her. And that is when it hits me: Father Szyszynski was someone's son, too. My chest fills with lead and my legs melt beneath me. I can tell myself that I have gotten retribution for Nathaniel; I can say that I was morally right - but cannot take away the truth that another mother has lost her child because of me. Is it right to close one cycle of pain it if only opens up another one?" These two thoughts go hand in hand (in my opinion) because yes, we spread the cycle of pain, violence and hate. I truly believe that we need to be aware of our own actions and words and take responsibility for what we share with the world - because it spreads. I cannot tell you how many times I have lost my patience or was too crabby to handle a situation with my five-year old niece correctly, how many times I have said the wrong thing or over-reacted, etc, only to come back a little later and apologize or "make it right." It never fails, the five-year old brain picks up on "making it right" and learns herself how to be a better person - how to live as God wants us to live. We can make mistakes, but if we don't quickly correct them (or if those mistakes are too big to correct, like killi9ng someone), then the mistakes grows and continues to cause harm. I am inspired today by the life and minsitry of Dr. Martin Luther King, JR.

Heart to Heart with a Sixteen Year Old

So, Tamara. The amazing young woman I met in 2003 when she was 11 - she is now 16. I was her foster mom for about 8 months and had to make the very difficult decision not to adopt her. It was bad timing, I had no idea at the time if I would be uprooting for a new church, I didn't like being a single parent (I loved being a parent, but not a single one), and I just didn't sense that I was ready to take that step. It has turned out well, she has been welcomed into a new family and will soon be officially adopted. She has even chosen to take their last name (which is a really good thing for Tamara). We now get to be friends, I get to be the mentor again and not have the responsibility of being mom. She spent yesterday and today with me and I must say, 'I had a blast!" It has been such a joy to walk this very sad, often time, horrific, journey with Tamara. To watch her blossom, to watch her make her own (right) decisons and to see how she has developed self-respect and a desire to live for God, has been overwhelming. To see her go from something really bad (that was only leading her life downhill), to where she is today (an amazingly thoughtful, dynamic young woman who loves God), is inspiring. I take none of the credit for this, but thank God everyday for the gift of being able to witness this transformation and growth.
Anyway, we had a heart to heart today. I shared with her that I will never in my life have a day that I won't feel guilty for not adopting her. We shared some tears and some conversation about how our lives crossed for a purpose and how I would never stop being a part of her life. Then I shared with her that someday I would like to say yes to a child that needs a home. Tamara looked at me with that tear in her eye and she said, "promise?" I couldn't believe how unselfish she was - she wasn't mad that it wasn't her - she was truly glad it would be another child in need! Oh, and my answer? "I guarantee you its something God and I will discuss again!"

Crabby turned Insightful

Well, about noon today I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and start the day all over again. All morning it was just headache after headache - and it's my day off! It all went really sour when I called my mom to vent and 5 minutes into the conversation I remembered its her Birthday! Yeah, I deserve the daughter-of-the-year award don't I? Funny too, my brother had already called her and its usually me who has to remind him.
Anyway, my trusted colleague let me know that a church member was disappointed in my lack of response to her father-in-laws illness - odd thing is, I didn't know about her father-in-laws illness! Apparently, the woman made a comment that the pastor needs to be more mature! Usually, I beat myself up when I feel I failed something/someone - And this being a bad day, I was headed in that direction - but instead I got on the treadmill and had a really good talk with God and with myself. And what conclusion I came to is: even though I want to call and apologize, I need to wait for this person to come to me. And when she does, I need to admit I was unaware of the situation (so she knows I'm not God, or psychic) and then I need to get on it. But what I also need to do is develop a system for gathering information on members and ensuring people don't fall through the cracks.
I have to say, I think I would be pretty immature if I didn't come to these realizations. So, yes, I am feeling better - but a slam is a slam and that's that! My colleague pointed out that we can't ever please everyone, that not everyone will like us, and that's true, I can deal with that - as unpleasant as it may be. I also realize this is the first negative comment and comes from someone who has never made an attempt to be involved or get to know me - yes, this person in my opinion is still worthy of my care and attention, but it puts into perspective for me that often the ones who complain don't really have a justifiable reason to do so. But it made me think about this question: If God were the pastor, would people find complaints about that too? Sadly, I think the answer is yes.

Catch-Up

I haven't written in awhile, I am not sure why, because I have had plenty to talk about and enough time to do it, perhaps lazy? I am overwhelmed by the support of my congregation. They voted to increase my salary, not call another pastor, and have me do all the pastoral responsibilities. (It's a time to test whether or not one person can do all the work, but I am honored that they want that one person to be me). I am truly am blessed to be doing God's ministry in this place - these people support me 100 percent and trust me to challenge and love them. And they have truly turned around, there have been some really rough spots in the last 4 years, but they have finally come together and agreed that they want to move on as Christs' disciples. They have pledged over a million dollars to a capital campaign, all while keeping their annual budget pledges up. Truly, I am happy in my work right now and it feels wonderful. I am also open to hearing God these days.. well, I always am (or at least say I am), but I mean I am listening closely. I need to calm down and trust God to guide me, and to do either of those things, I need to be open to hearing God. Because hearing God does not always mean I will hear what i want to hear. Hearing God means truly listening to the direction I am called to go in on any project, situation, charity, commitment, etc. I had a new kitten for a few days. A member who lives across the street from me had three abandoned at her house and I said I would take one. I had been thinking about having another cat for Pumpkin to keep company, but this proved not simple as I had to keep the two cats separate for 60 days (vaccination issues). And I realized Pumpkin is not at all the same level as a kitten; kittens needs socialization and attention, and I am rarely home. Anyway, I gave the kitten to a church family with 5 boys! I had named her Lillie, but they renamed her Toady! Anyway, what is God saying to you these days? To me? I think God is saying, "It's okay to follow your heart and speak up - your heart is good, so speak it." You?

Movies and Snow Angels

So I often get teased because I barely ever see movies and therefore I never know what people are talking about when they discuss movies. Well, even though I was feeling ill, I went to see Bedtime Stories on New Years night. It was cute and great and I recommend it for an enjoyable watch.
But then today we had a girls outing (My mom, niece Mikayla, neighbor Jessie, and I) and we went to see Marley and Me. Now this is seriously a great movie - yes, I cried but I have come to believe that the movies that make me cry are by far the most inspirational to my life. The movie really confirmed something I have known since I was a young child, maybe 9 or 10 years old: Pets are as much a part of the family, and as important as any other loved one. I remember a dog, Blackie, we had when I was young and how when he died it was like something was lost in our home, and it was literally, but for me it was also a spiritual sense of loss - like having to learn to live life without a loved one. My cat, Pumpkin, often causes me to think in this manner... people sometimes ask if I am lonely having no family of my own.. but they don't understand that my cat is actually very much a part of my family. No, she doesn't fill my yearning for a husband and children, but she does fill the space of companion and confidant. Pumpkin is always there for me and no matter what I do, she loves me - there is no treat of divorce there!!
After the movie and dinner, when the beautiful snow was falling in the dark sky, my niece, Mikayla, and I bundled up to go play in the snow, stick our tounges out to catch it, chase the dog when he stole our mitten or hat, giggle, and make snow angels - snow angels are so mystic, I don't know how else to describe them, but when you really stop to look at them - they are beautiful - and to think we made them.. that all we had to do was lay down in the snow, laugh and smile and waves our arms and legs... and it produces a piece of art depicting a perfect angel. Perhaps that gives a bit of advice to the busy, hurried, sophisticated human race? Perhaps we need to realize what product could come of our slowing down and taking time to enjoy the small things in life?

Taking out 08

Last night was New Years Eve and as is tradition I went to the home of our close familyr friends, the Nordlings, and spent most of the time playing wii with Paul and reading a book a friend loaned me. I didn't feel good.. my dairy intolerance has been acting up and as I try to get it back under control, I welcomed the restful evening.
As I was driving back to parents house, it was actually the last 15 minutes of 2008, I listened to Oh Holy Night on the radio and I prayed. Mostly my prayer was a reflected of the year past and an acknowledgement of the growth I made as person of faith. It was also a hope or contemplation into the year 2009 - I prayed about my willing ability to get control of my reactions, to not over-react, to not jump to fear or anxiety, but rather to try and be more calm and peaceful about situations, allowing myself an opportunity to take things in before making a decision or reacting. Then of course, I moved on to praying for others - but only got as far as my brother (sorry everyone else!). I pray my brother finds peace and calm in his life, and that as all the daily challenges confront him, he will confront them with the good-natured loving soul he is.
It all got me thinking about how reactive we as humans tend to be - and I know I personally need to stop and think - let moments and expereinces and challenges be what they are - and simply live and be at peace with myself in order to best take them for what they are.
This could be a great New Year... actually, I look forward to all it offers.