Christmas Aftermath

Well, I had high hopes of writing on a daily basis throughout Christmas, and obviously, that did not happen. I must say, this has seriously been the best Christmas so far! I have been with family, friends, and I have been discovering things about myself and my future that I had hoped to discover. I have new diretion, I know where I will be for the next few years and I am completely happy about it.
I am spening this week at my parents home, taking care of my one-year-old nephew and just having fun doing random things like playing wii, one day road trips, and just about anything that comes up and seems interesting for the time being. It is so good to relax.

Oh.. the discovery about myself stuff.. well, an active member of my congregation died a few days after Christmas and since I am on vacation a (favorite) colleague of mine responded to the call. The next day I was so excited to attend the church I grew up in and worship as a normal person, but all that was on my mind was my congregation and the fact that they were just hearing the news of this death. I went back and forth with the idea that I should go home for a few days and take care of all this... but God spoke to me... how scary is that? I realized that I needed to be where I was, I needed to be practicing renewal. My congregation was in good hands and they would be fine without me. What if I had been farther away? What if I went and then every other time I am ever away, an unrealistic expectation has been set? The realization was - they can be cared for by people other than me. I need to rest, I need to renew my spirit, and I need to trust God to take care of everything in my absence... after all, isn't it God that takes care of everything anway - even when I am there? Renewal is necessary in order to continue to allow God to work in my midst.

Thoughts on Death

I know it's not what you expect my topic to be the day before Christmas Eve, but I have to share this. So, I am a big fan of the TLC show Little People, Big World, and last nights show was a real shocker. Mike Detjen, the families super close friend and business partner suddenly died at the age of 60. Mike was as common on the show as the family and I really liked the guy. Anyway, Matt made a really profound statement, "We don't appreciate the people we love often enough, because we expect them to be there tomorrow." It really got me thinking about the people in my life, the ones I just assume will be there tomorrow and so I can finsih the conversation, or say "Thank you" or "I love you" later. Well, I went to bed thinking about all this - and of course, I couldn't sleep. It was late so I texted a few people I am close to, prayed and eventually fell asleep. But I woke up at 5am with vivid thoughts of my dad's funeral - it was so weird I almost called to make sure he was still alive! I even started to cry and sat up to get in touch with my thoughts, and there was my cat, lying in my lap staring at me like she always does when I am emotional. It was so weird! This Christmas has already been so mystical for me - the greatest ever in my 32 years - and this bizarre expereince just adds to it: because I am accepting that people are gifts, just like the Christ-child, and we need to learn to value gifts in our lives.

Sick Day, Dad Day

So I was literally in bed all day - I felt awful and slept a lot. I also did a lot of thinking, and now I am starting to feel better. Anyway, my dad drove up today to bring me some things I need for parties at Sams. We had originally planned to meet up for lunch with some church members who have befriended my dad, but with me being so sick, I told him to go, and I stayed home to sleep. After lunch my dad picked a few things (drugs, OJ and chicken noodle) up at the store for me and then he needed to head back home. So, really we only spent about ten minutes together.
It was really sweet because when he got home he called and said he felt really bad we hardly got to talk. I told him I knew those people really wanted to see him and all I did was sleep anyway. My dad responded with, "Well, your more important and I left you all by yourself!" Seriously, I was very okay with him going to lunch without me, but it meant a lot to me to know it bothered my dad. It doesn't matter how old I get, I am continually learning from my dad. His spirituality is one who you really have to listen and watch to understand, its not something he talks about openly - but rather one he lives - and I truly admire that. I love my dad, even when I am utterly frustrated with him, its days like today I see who he really is and I love him that much more.

Wrestling with Faith

The question was posed to me today, "how do we keep the faith, and keep going when all the odds are against us - when the world seeks darkness over light?" (Well, that was a paraphrase of the question - but you get the idea). It got me thinking...
This question is what I consider "maturing faith" simply because a person is not allowing her/himself to live with blinders - but instead is wrestling with faith because its who you are and what you know to be true - even though the world is trying to be a road block. Only by wrestling with these type of faith challenges will we actually come out a stronger character with the stronger faith.
People are horrible, I can't explain it other than they were never taught better... those people who did the gang rape, they were looking for something in the wrong place, because no one ever gave them what they needed in the right place. When Jesus cried, "Forgive them father, for they know not what they are doing," he was referring to this very thing.. that people do horrible things and they have no concept of it. Some may not even realize its wrong. They were never taught anything different. It's like the addict mother who is totally oblivious to the fact that her teenage daughter is crying out for her love even as its shouted and screamed in her face.
I have come to believe that some people - because of the way they were taught, because of their circumstances or life expereinces, or because of their profound inability to think with love - are truly incapible of "getting it." So, does that make them innocent? Hell no! In fact, its aggravating and frustrating and burns people to their core.... but yet, they just can't get it.
So, what do we do with that? As hard as it is- we got to keep on keeping on... someday, somewhere, there has to be an end to the cycle. The cycle of hate and abuse and plain stupidity - there has to be an end to the cycle of us "not knowing what we are doing." For me, it all comes down to this: Jesus was here. He lived amongst us - he saw it - he heard it - he slammed tables upside down in anger with it - and yet, he kept his head lifted to the One who knew a better way to life. He kept going for the good, he never gave up hope. Some days are worse than others and we wonder why we keep trying - but then we realize that we keep trying because we too believe in that hope of a better tomorrow.
We have to keep wrestling, keep exploring the things that nag at us, and we have to keep walking the journey together. We need each other, like Jesus needed his disciples, we need to be lifted up at times and we need to celebrate the joys at other times. God is out there... in fact, as easy as it is to see pain in the world, its even more easy to see God - we simply forget where to look - or the pain screams so loud we can't hear anything else. Faithful living, is and always will be, a hard, painful, scary task with little appreciation - but its a mighty task we have been called to and its a mighty God who has called us.

Monday Night TV

Okay, I must admit: Monday night is my beloved line up of reality tv. TLC actually. It all starts with Little People, Big World, followed by some Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and often concluded with some show about families with a dozen kids. I'm addicted, I can't help it.
Tonight on Jon & Kate Plus Eight they visited St. Jude's Hospital in Memphis to bring gifts to kids who are fighting cancer. It was amazing to hear the families of the sick kids speak - one mother said, as her very sick child slept in her arms, "we actually consider ourselves very blest - because we know the truth about life and how we are supposed to live it - enjoying every minute for what it is." How profound, how true, and how often we who are healthy forget. Truly, I believe we take advantage of so much in this world, and by doing so, we miss so many opportunity to see what truth is.

Snow Days

Well, it's official... snow days are not as exciting as they were fifteen-twenty years ago! We had a huge blizzard today and all our church activites were cancelled (we did have worship this morning, but that was it). As the day progressed, they announced school being cancelled tomorrow - and I could hear the girls next door squeling with excitement... I remember those days.
It was still fun to be stuck inside all day... I built a fire, watched Christmas movies (even my favorite Prancer,) and knit. And tomorrow will be a slow start as both the secretary and I will focus on shovelling ourselves out before worrying about showing up at the office. But I need to be up bright and early to be at Target to see if the truck brought any more wii's. A certain someone in my life is getting one from my brother and I... that is, if we can get one.
So today was relaxing and tomorrow will be slow paced, but I hope to accomplish a great deal in my office - I guess it's a good thing I can put on my boots and walk across the back yard to work.

Saying "No"

I said "No" today and it felt great!

I used to have a foster daughter, she is now 16 and still very much a part of my life - but she is very demanding and clingy. I have dealt with this is different ways in the past, but now that she no longer lives with me, I need to learn its okay for her to stop relying on me all the time (as hard as that is for both of us).

Anyway, tonight is our staff Christmas party at my house. I am really excited for the party - we always have so much fun. I have been spending most of the day getting ready for it - but have been relaxed and not allowing myself to get stressed over the details.

So, after school, my 16 year old "mentee" calls and wants to know if she and her friend can come over and see my Christmas tree. (I have learned this really means, can we come over, eat all your food and totally stress you out by being wild, crazy, obnoxious and sometimes rude - afterall, we are 16 and think the world revolves around us and our problems are the end of the world). Well, I normally would have said yes only to regret it later. But I said, "No, I'm getting ready for a party now." That of course was followed by another question... and this one is really funny so brace yourself... "Well, can we come over and help you?" Yeah Right! You mean, can you come over and eat all my food and mess up my house and stress me out by being wild, crazy, obnoxious and even rude!? I am so proud of myself, I sort of chuckled and said, "Um, no."

It's not an easy thing to say no, especially to a kid who has had a hard life - but I am learning a few things... 1) its not good for them to always have their way, and 2) if my life gets stressed in the process, what good am I to the kid?

Can I get an Amen?

Other Duties as Needed

Today I understood what it means on my job description - "other duties as needed." One of the youth was feeling really sick and while she was waiting for her mom to pick her up, she ended up vomiting in the bathroom sick at church - it of course, clogged the drain. She was horrified. So, even though it looked and smelled awful, I did what I had to do. I blocked the door to the bathroom, rolled up my sleeves, and reached down and unclogged the drain! All while the teen watched; amazed and horrified at the same time. I realized in my mind how horrific it was but I was calm, cool, and collected on the outside as I tried to make an uncomfortable situation less humilating for one of God's beloved.
It all made me think - wow, I wonder what it was like for Jesus to do what he did for our sake? Much worse than sifting through vomit, that's for sure.
It also made me ponder why a connection to Lent/Easter is popping up during Advent/Christmas. But then again, if Jesus didn't come as an infant in the first place - we never would have had him to be there in our moment/s of distress.
This preparation for the birth of my savior is sure taking on new avenues this year!

Confirmation Class of 2009

This year I have the smallest Confirmation class I have ever had: 4! But its proving to be absolutely amazing. We get along so well and have the best discussions and everyone participates. We meet every other Wednesday right after school for 45 minutes. Well, about a month ago the kids started saying they want to meet every week. I sort of shrugged it off at first - but it kept coming up. So finally, last week I said we would switch to every week classes next semester (meaning January - which is right around the corner). They were happy but last night one of them, the one who was originally very quiet and whose dad came in to warn me that she may give me a run for my money because she questions God.. no problem, I thought, oh, how I greatly love these kinds of challenges! Seriously! And sure enough, now this youth and I have become buds and have great conversations about faith, life, God, and just about everything else. So anyway, this youth sends me a text message last night and asks why we have to wait until next semester to switch to weekly confirmation classes? All I could answer was "well, that's a very good question!" Within the hour all 4 students were texting me and we made the switch. I am simply elated. Kids who actually want to meet with the Pastor every week and talk about God and life and faith and God knows what else!? This opportunity does not come around all that often! God is so good! I seriously think its my favorite Christmas present this year... so far... afterall, there is still time for Joe Mauer to show up!

Advent

So, this year has been very different for me. Maybe its all the changes I have had to create, suffer, deal with.. or maybe its just growing up, but this Advent I am truly beginning to connect with the mystery of Christmas. I am so greatly enjoying all my decorations and the meanings behind them. I am excited to host several upcoming parties. I crave the quite time I get at home to be still and reflect on holiday cheer. And I am even having fun shopping for (making) gifts.. because this year I am really looking at the person and what they would truly benefit from in a gift. And me? I really can't think of anything I want/need... so really, I am no help to those that have asked for ideas.. I just really want to live this Christmas in the wonder and mystery of Christs' birth. I want to latch on to it's meaning (God with us, God alive and active in the world) and I want to see how it changes my life in 2009. That's what I want/need... Spiritual Awakening. Sounds odd, cause I usually consider myself very spiritual... but I want it to wake me up and energize me to go into the new year with newfound hope and joy. I don't even know what that might look like because I already live in the joy of the spirit, but I crave something new... something mystical to grab my attention and give me a whole new sense of purpose. This Advent is truly changing me.